How To Help Your Spouse In Times Of Distress

Marriage is an oath that promises togetherness for better or for worse. Relationships are tested in times of need. A partnership as close as marriage is not all about being fair-weather friends. And the bond of marriage is strengthened when it is put to the test in times of crisis, and a partner’s support, love and affection helps tide over the difficult phase.

Here are a few basic ideas to help your life-partner tide over a difficult phase

Communicate

Though this sounds rather obvious, the need of the hour when a spouse is distressed is conversation which is productive-whether to un-bottle those pent-up emotions, or to help resolve the stressful situation causing distress.
Ask your spouse the reason for the distress. Try and get gently to the bottom of the problem.

Many times, what seems to be the problem really isn’t, and the stressing over that problem may be an outlet for other, pent up feelings of inadequacy or feeling unloved. Slowly, draw out your partner’s innermost feelings. Tell your partner about your own, and about the problems and worries you are facing, trivial and otherwise. We open up better to others when we feel empathy, and realise that we are not alone in our worries and fears.

Give examples of others in stressful situations, and talk about the distress and sadness in other people’s lives. If your partner’s worries are not based in any real, threatening or life-altering issues, talk about people who have those issues, such as their near and dear ones suffering from life-threatening disease, or the loss of someone’s love done. Try and explain that there are real issues, and issues which are a part of the ups and downs of life, and will eventually go away.

Try Putting Things into Perspective

Ask your spouse to notice and admit what he or she is feeling. Taking stock of one’s emotions is the first step to resolving issues which cause one distress. Tell your spouse that the distress in his or her life may be from perceptions of events rather than the events themselves, as is mostly the case. Once your spouse realises that the situation is not as grave as he or she might have thought, things will start falling into place.

If, on the other hand, the situation causing the distress really is grave, there are two options: if your spouse and you can do something about it, then you need to get moving on resolving the issue in the best way you can, together; if the situation is irresolvable, then you need to make your spouse understand that you both will have to accept it, deal with it the best way you can, and move on. Either you can cure, or you can endure. Explain that there are situations you can really do nothing about, but those situations are the ones which develop character and resilience. Tell your spouse that one can’t make life fair, but it is in one’s hands to make it joyful.

Breaking down the problem thus into its threadbare parts, and examining them closely, will definitely lead to a lessening of the distress in your spouse’s mind.

Give Assurance

Your spouse needs to know, when things go wrong, whether because of uncontrollable factors, or because of your his or her mistakes, that you will be there for your spouse. State this in so many words, so that your spouse does not feel alone in his or her battle with the situation. Just having one’s spouse as a pillar of strength besides one can help defuse all the pent-up emotions causing the distress. Be your partner’s anchor and support in difficult times, and it will cement your bond forever.

Ask your  spouse to tell you what is the worst that can happen in the situation he or she is in. Once a person can imagine the worst in a situation, two things happen: one, the person realises that the situation is better than what he or she previously thought, and, two, it arms the person to deal with far more than he or she is currently dealing with. Then, once again, reassure your spouse that were the situation to come to the worst, you will be by his or her side with your full co-operation.

Follow the Constructive Approach

Go about planning, together, the best approach to deal with the problems plaguing your spouse. Break the problem down into parts, and examine how best  to handle each aspect.  A constructive approach brings about a rationality and practicality into the situation, which takes away the emotional aspect and  and makes it easier to handle. Discuss repercussions, and how best to tackle them. Communication, combined with this constructive approach will definitely de-stress your spouse as you work your way together out of his or her problems.

Praise, Constantly

In times of distress, your spouse needs to feel appreciated and loved. The easiest way to do this is to keep telling your spouse constantly and subtly about his or her qualities that you admire, about how he or she handled previous disturbing situations in his or her life with èlan, or keep mentioning his or her achievements. This will help in removing doubts about self-capability in your spouse’s mind, and give him or her new confidence which will help in dealing with the situation causing distress.

Distract your Spouse

In a distressful scenario, help to distract your spouse by indulging in activities like watching a happy movie, going out shopping, eating out, going for a brisk walk, or just watching television together. Help to take the focus away from the problem, after it has been discussed. Ensure that your spouse does not brood endlessly over the problem.

HUG

Hugs are the most therapeutic way of de-stressing. For a human body to be held close to another is the best feeling in the world, as it conveys love, affection and support. Hug your partner close, and do it often. Hugs take away stress, pain, loneliness and hurt. Let your partner know the love you have inside for him or her through this physical embrace.

When your spouse is undergoing some form of distress, be there for  him or her both physically and emotionally. Do not hold back, but reach out constantly both through words, and overt displays of affection. Be your partner’s strength. This will not only resolve the crisis, but also lead to a deeper love.